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It must be pretty bad being a priest and hearing the same confessions every day, and no matter the penance they keep re-offending. One Sunday the Priest blurts out in his sermon, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’m leaving this parish and you can all go to hell”.

The thing is that everybody likes this priest so they get together and devise a code code word for adultery. From now on, anybody who commits adultery and goes to confession they will say they ‘have fallen’. This make the priest happy, thinking that the sermon must have done the trick and everybody continued the ruse until his death.

Not long after the new priest arrives, he pays a visit to the town Mayor and in a concerned voice says, “Mayor, you just have to do something about the paths is this town. When people come to confession they keep talking about having fallen.”

The Mayor starts to laugh, realising that the priest doesn’t know about the code word.

The priest shakes a finger at the Mayor and says, “I don’t know why you’re laughing, your wife fell three times this week!”

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I love it when I get jokes in the email because it gives me a good laugh and the opportunity to do a post on it on one of my blogs. I received this one today and I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did. Feel free to link to this post so that your friends can enjoy it as well.

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…“
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How do you fix a woman’s watch?

You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can’t shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
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What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.

It’s called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
————————————————–
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Well, maybe it isn’t bigger than Texas, but Anna Creek Station is definitely the biggest cattle station in the world. It covers an area of 34,000 sq. kms or 6 million acres. This is remarkable when you consider that the largest American cattle station is only 3,000 sq. kms. Keeping this in mind, it’s probably where the following conversation took place.

A Texan in Australia A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?

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This video is absolutely hilarious and has everything from motorbikes to ballet. If you are like me and you love to laugh at people who do the unexpected or those who try to do unbelievable stunts only to fail then you will love this video. It’s all done to the tune of “That’s Life” and I recommend you to take a moment to enjoy yourself as you watch all the funny action that is about to take place.

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All I can say is thanks Kevin Duffy for this great cartoon. I would also like to thank Christine Senter, one of my favourite bloggers, for thinking of me and sending this hilarious cartoon.

 Fortunately, except for some politically correct morons this situation should never happen, although there was a time when it almost did happen in Australia. Which just goes to show you that these PC idiots inhabit all corners of the globe.

 

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Now, I don’t know how true this is but apparently, because of all that is going on in Kuwait, the roles of woman have changed completely. This is how I heard the story.

A prominent journalist had filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait some years prior to the first Gulf War. She had noted at the time that in traditional Islamic fashion the women used to walk a few paces behind their husbands.  After returning to Kuwait recently she observed that the men now walked several paces behind the wives. She was shocked and went up to a Kuwaiti woman to see if she could get an explanation for the change of custom.

“This is marvellous,” she says to the woman, “why is it that women now get to walk in front of the men?”

To which the Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”

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It’s election day today and naturally someone sent me an email that completely fit the bill as it’s all about the ear wax eating Rudd and his unionist off sider Julia Gillard. 

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, “Julia I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the
country voters.”“Good idea Opposition Leader, how will we go about it?” said Julia.

“Well,” said Rudd,” we’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh and a blue cattle dog.

  Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.”

“Right ,” said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set  off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

“G, day mate,” said Rudd, to the bartender, “two middies of your best  beer.”

“Good afternoon Opposition Leader,” said the bartender, “two middies of  our best coming up”.

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink.  The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

“Tell me,” said Rudd, “why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog’s tail like that?   Is it an old outback custom?”

”Strewth no!” said the barman. “It’s just that someone went ‘n told ‘em there was a cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes

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A salesman was driving down this deserted stretch of road when notices a sign saying, “Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution - 10km”

He figures he’s just tired and that he was seeing things, but a little further down the road he sees another sign, “Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution - 5km”.

This time he realizes that the signs must be for real and when he drives past the next one saying, “Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution - Next turn on the left”, he decides to check it out.

He pulls into the driveway and parks in the car park near an old stone building with the sign, “Sisters Of Mercy”. He climbs up the stairs and knocks on the door and a nun answers.

“What may we do for you my son?”

“I saw your sign down the road and I was wondering if we could do some business,” he says.

“Very well my son, please follow me”.

He is lead through so many passages that he becomes disorientated, but finally the nun stops and tells the man to knock on the door. The man complies and another nun opens the door, but this one is holding a tin cup. She tells the guy to put $50 into the cup and then tells him to go a large wooden door at the end of the hallway.

He puts the $50 into the cup and moves off eagerly towards the end of the hall. He opens the door and slips through closing it behind him until he hears it lock. He turns around and finds himself in the car park facing another sigh that says, “You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters Of Mercy”.

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Finally I have found something that will entertain you for the next 6 minutes, and for some of you guys I reckon even sex does not last that long. It is funny and it comes complete with generations of music. It is in fact a music medley of past hits complete wit a comedian making fun of all the different dance styles through the ages. He is in fact the only comedian who has made me laugh without saying a single thing.

The guy’s name is Judson Laipply, and having said that sit back and enjoy the next 6 minutes.

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2.9

~~~
It is a sad state of affairs but it is true on many occasions that men just do not know how to treat women, and how many a time they just say and do the wrong things. Take this short story for an example.A plane was heading into a terrible storm and is being pounded by hail, is buffeted by strong winds and lightening strikes seem to be everywhere. Many passengers are screaming and the terror is becoming infectious, and one woman is thinking to herself, “That’s it, we are all going to die!”

At the height of the storm, not able to take anymore, she jumps up and says, ‘That’s it! I can’t stand this anymore. If I am going to die I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there someone man enough on this plane that can make me feel like a woman?”

A man at the rear of the plane stands up and she can see he is really well built. He is removing his shirt as he approaches her and as she admires his rippling muscles she thinks to herself, “At least I will go of with a real bang!”

He stands in front of her, muscles rippling, shirt in hand and says to her, “Are you ready to feel like a woman?”

She nods her head expectantly.

The man gives her his shirt and says, “Here iron this!”

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