BlogSire

 Image via Wikipedia

Yep, I’ve just received another email joke and although I realize it’s probably all over the net already I reckon that there will still be a lot of people out there who like me have never seen it before. If you are one of those I hope that you will enjoy it as much as I did.

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we’re in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we’re going down the tracks’.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.’

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed    Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.’

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen.”

this video is a scream and I something I really suggest you take the time to watch. This guy definitely has got Obama Girl’s tits, body or moves, but what he lacks in those departments he makes up for in humor. I reckon it would have to be the hi-light of Hillary’s whole campaign.

This is one of those classic email jokes.

It was one of those hot summers days when two Crocodiles who were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra deep in conversation discussing their favourite topic, food!

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big Croc, “what have you been eating?”

“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small Croc.

“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”

“Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.”

“Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?”

“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!”

“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.”

This is a story about a man named Jeff and the way he treated his wife. This man always claimed how important it was for a man to treat his wife especially as she got older claiming that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. One thing to take notice of is that you should try not to yell at them as some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. I will let Jeff tell you the rest of it.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

This guy is just showing off his new Ferrari to his girlfriend and notices that she was getting all excited when he told he how fast it could go. Sensing his chance he says to her, “If I get it to go 250kph, will you take all your clothes off?”

“Sure”, she says, “let’s do it!”

As he gets the Ferrari to the 250 kph the girl starts taking off all her clothes, which unfortunately causes the guy to take his eyes off the road, as as the Ferrari veers over onto the gravel, he loses control and the car flips over throwing the the naked girl clear but pinning the bloke under the car.

Moaning the bloke asks the girl to go and get some help, but in a panic she says, “I can’t! I’m naked and my clothes are all gone.”

“Take my shoe and cover yourself” he tells her.

Complying she goes in search for help while using the shoe to cover her privates. Finally she comes across a service station and while still holding the shoe between her legs she pleads to the service station attendant for help saying, “Please help me! My boyfriend is stuck!”

The guy looks at the shoe and says, “Sorry lady, there’s nothing I can do, he’s just too far in!”

Don’t you absolutely hate it when you go fishing off a jetty or something and you just don’t seem to be able to cast that line out far enough or to the right spot? Don’t you wish that there was a way that you could cast it way out there and always exactly to the right spot? Well you can, all you need is one of those remote controlled boats to which you tie your line and your lure. Then just drive it to the spot of your choice and start reeling them in.

Don’t believe me huh? Well just check this out.

This is definitely a question that has plagued many a married man and I think that I have just received the answer in an email. I wonder if the ethnicity of the bloke in question had anything to do with the solution to this question.

At Saint Anne’s Catholic Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar. At last weeks session Father James asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, “Well, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!”

The Priest responded, “Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.”

Luigi proudly replied, “I’m a-gonna go and get her.”

It must be pretty bad being a priest and hearing the same confessions every day, and no matter the penance they keep re-offending. One Sunday the Priest blurts out in his sermon, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’m leaving this parish and you can all go to hell”.

The thing is that everybody likes this priest so they get together and devise a code code word for adultery. From now on, anybody who commits adultery and goes to confession they will say they ‘have fallen’. This make the priest happy, thinking that the sermon must have done the trick and everybody continued the ruse until his death.

Not long after the new priest arrives, he pays a visit to the town Mayor and in a concerned voice says, “Mayor, you just have to do something about the paths is this town. When people come to confession they keep talking about having fallen.”

The Mayor starts to laugh, realising that the priest doesn’t know about the code word.

The priest shakes a finger at the Mayor and says, “I don’t know why you’re laughing, your wife fell three times this week!”

I love it when I get jokes in the email because it gives me a good laugh and the opportunity to do a post on it on one of my blogs. I received this one today and I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did. Feel free to link to this post so that your friends can enjoy it as well.

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
——————————————————————-

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
——————————————————————–

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

———————————————– ——————–
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…“
——————————————————————-

How do you fix a woman’s watch?

You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
——————————————————————-

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can’t shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
——————————————————————-

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
——————————————————————-

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
——————————————————————-

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
————————————————–

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.

It’s called a Wedding Cake.
——————————————————————-

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
————————————————–

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
————————————————–
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
————————————————–
————————————————–

Well, maybe it isn’t bigger than Texas, but Anna Creek Station is definitely the biggest cattle station in the world. It covers an area of 34,000 sq. kms or 6 million acres. This is remarkable when you consider that the largest American cattle station is only 3,000 sq. kms. Keeping this in mind, it’s probably where the following conversation took place.

A Texan in Australia A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?